Your cart is currently empty!
Lessons to self after thirty
Hey, I turned thirty-one, and I don’t know if I have experienced it all or not during this journey. However, I have learned a great deal and discovered a significant amount of abilities I never thought I had. In this blog, I wish to enlist thirty lessons in the so common, often laughed at — Thirty life lessons from thirty years format. But if you ask me, I look at this blog as a letter to my younger self – a letter full of lessons to self after thirty. If you think someone needs to read this, feel free to share it with them. Sharing is caring.
1. Thirty is not new Twenty!
When you are about twenty-five, you might observe a change in people’s perception of you, your actions, reactions, and decisions. Even if you don’t participate, your dinner table conversations will turn into adult conversations. At such homemade micro forums, if you are getting hurled at with phrases like – we didn’t expect this from you, why did you do that, how would you do it? And other similar ones, where the expected answers are absolutes… Please know it’s time to make a move. Often the simple moral here is not about obeying and containing the absolutes in life. It is about recognizing that absolutes exist. Being aware will save you a lot of time in your thirties. Your dinner table buddies are probably trying to point it out. Talk to them.
2. Your liking for yourself is enough to get through the day. You don’t need everyone to like you.
When people don’t like you, your work, style, food, culture, appearance, or presence, what happens? Nothing actually happens. Nothing changes for you or the world. We all have a tangible body and an imaginary body. Our mind loves to build scenarios in multiple dimensions, and this is the space where our imaginary bodies live. The imaginary body demands attention. It will keep distracting your tangible body from doing the real thing in the real world. But your tangible body needs real attention, and it needs nourishment. Never ignore your physical self. Remember yourself as a kid drawing stick figures? Who were the characters in your imaginary world? Think of them when you feel you are underappreciated in this world. Ignore the rest till you are back to rock your world.
3. Optimizing one area of life is maximization somewhere else.
Have you heard of the ‘butterfly effect’? It states that subtle changes in conditions can influence or cause seemingly unrelated results elsewhere. The flutter of a butterfly’s wings at place A can eventually develop into a hurricane at place B even though A and B are not related. It works in dealing with life, trust me! Do a little optimization today in whatever you want to achieve a year later. Small things add up.
4. Gaslighting! Some of you will soon encounter this. Be prepared!
Dear reader, if you haven’t discovered this by the time you are thirty. You may take some time to check and read an article or two about gaslighting. It is a fact, and it often happens at workplaces. Sometimes having your facts right adds big time to dealing with life and people. Be prepared!
5. Everyone has a problem. Talk about how you will take it as a challenge.
We are too many of us on this Mundo (Mundo => Earth (in Spanish). I like the word.). As I write this blog, the world population is ~7,864,000,000 and growing by the second. Let’s do some math for the entire planet. Earth’s total land surface area is about 148,428,950 square kilometers, of which about 33% is desert and about 24% is mountainous. Subtracting this uninhabitable 57% (84,604,502 square kilometers) from the total land area left is about 63,824,448 square kilometers. That’s about 15.77 billion acres of habitable land. Divide it by the current human population. You get 2.0 acres per person.
If we equally distributed all the habitable land on our Mundo among all humans present on the planet, 2.0 acres is the per capita share of land per person. Again, we have not included any amenities and infrastructure like highways, schools, hospitals, shopping malls, stadiums, agricultural fields, artificial islands, buildings, parks, etc. Also, we haven’t added accounted animals and the land they would need. Could you live on 2.0 acres without any service? I feel this is a challenge for our generation. A lot of us are already working on it. Why not join hands with them and save our home.
6. Make a choice that will help you live a happier life
Bad decisions are the birthplace of regrets of our lifetime. However, it is very difficult to ideate over — what is good, what is bad, and then make a choice to live with it. Take your time to choose; however, once you have made your choice in the unknown, try to be open to an experience. Openness, in common terms ‘being flexible’, offers opportunities, reveals discoveries, dilutes regrets, and sharpens your decision-making. My dad often asks us (me and my brother) on our long drives if we enjoy driving on expressways. Why are we disappointed when there are muddy roads? Enjoy the detours make them a part of the journey, he says.
7. Past condition ≠ Future conditions. Actions in the Present ≅ Future possibilities
Do not dwell in the past, do not dream of the future. Concentrate the mind on the present moment — you will find this Great Buddha quote almost everywhere, from the internet to t-shirts. By the time you are thirty, you will know that the first law of motion (Law of inertia) doesn’t exist without actions. Take actions around the tasks you have been thinking of doing for some time. Do your thing and let the results find you shortly.
8. A relationship is => You + Me + Us.
Relationships are difficult. A relationship between two humans involves about seven entities — (1) you, (2) your partner, (3) your state of mind, (4) your partner’s state of mind, (5) your personal space, (6) your partner’s personal space and, (7) the relationship itself, this is where the ‘Us’ is. It is complex, and it gets messy. If you recall anyone saying don’t rush it, take your time; know that they probably want you to understand the dynamics of these seven entities. Take your time — don’t rush into it.
9. You will lose lots of friends and make a lot of new ones
As you grow older, you will realize that keeping friendships work like boolean logic. When younger, you may have many friends with all sorts of individual interests (OR-logic, All inclusive). Over time those close to you will have similar interests, and you say you have a lot in common (AND-logic, All exclusive). As you develop new interests, your friendship boolean evolves. The good part is booleans don’t implode. Life happens to each individual in different ways, and sharing those experiences keeps friendships alive. Those you lost often return as a new version of themselves – enriched with lots of experiences.
10. Sometimes relationships don’t work. It is not the end of the world. You can do all of it again.
All relationships are important – romantic, personal or, otherwise. However, sometimes things don’t work out, and it is alright. Know that when it didn’t work, often it would be misalignment in one of the seven entities that keep a relationship together. Fix your ‘Us’ than trying to fix another human being. One of the ways to fix ‘Us’ is setting precedents. Commonly known as setting boundaries in relationships, setting precedents is a sign of self-respect and allowing your partner to explore their self-respect. Remember openness? Be open about what you want and what is not acceptable. You will find what you are looking for.
11. Your job is not all that you are.
There is nothing wrong with hard work, as long as it doesn’t conflict with your health, relationships, and passion. If you are part of an organization, you are part of a system, and your job is to add value with your skills. You are not your job. You are more than that.
12. Leave pretending for the acting school. Pretending won’t make you perfect.
No one is perfect! Though, an attempt to perfecting something improves your ability to do that thing. With each consecutive practice, you’ll become better severalfold. Perfection is to be practiced, not to be pretended.
13. You will recover from pain if you choose not to suffer
‘I am okay’ is an easy mantra. ‘I am NOT okay’ paves a path forward. A path that takes you to the end of suffering. Staying hung up on something is fairly easy, especially in the early ‘independent’ phase of life, like your mid-late twenties. Know that not suffering is always an option. When you are not bleeding, but it hurts like hell, only you can fix it. Start with a declaration to yourself — I am NOT okay, and I’m going to fix it. And once you promise yourself that please respect yourself.
14. Practice writing. It’s a mirror for your mind.
Most of us are in a reactive mode all day. Our online life also asks for ‘reactions. When people write letters, they used to ‘respond’ and not react to a letter. A thoughtful response is what happens when you write. Writing is a stimulus to your mind. It mirrors your strengths and helps in nullifying weakness. Put that pen to paper.
15. Show your work, collect criticism. Revise and get better.
You write, paint, dance, draw, code, organize whatever it is that you are proud enough to call your work. Show it! Get comments! Reorganize, Revise, Re-present get better at it.
16. Understand hypocrisy. The sooner, the better.
Hypocrisy is a difficult subject. It’s terribly difficult to get through life without experiencing it here and there, shape, or form. Just by the nature of life, we learn and grow as we have new experiences. Perpetually, always failing to take the risk to take a stab at something new. Understanding hypocrisy sooner may help you navigate life while minimizing hypocrisy. Perhaps the only way to avoid it completely is to develop a system of beliefs that removes it from the equation- There are no universal truths, everything changes, and your values should be subject to constant scrutiny. Investigate before acting.
17. Riding the hype is dangerous
Hypes are like waves at the seashore. They soar high then dunk only to crash at the shore. Furthermore, a returning wave will sweep the sand under your feet if you are standing in the water. A hype does the same. It keeps dragging you until you are consumed in it. Take the example of sales, lotteries, instant relief, fast cash. All hyped schemes consume you in the end. Stay aware, Stay away.
18. Keep doing your work, and getting famous can happen on the way
Doing good work takes time. However, good work always receives recognition. Focus on good work recognitions and awards will follow. Show your work, and those who need you will get in touch with you. Sometimes it is ok to wait.
19. Feeling scared? Find the reason before pushing the panic button.
It’s okay to be sad, disappointed, lost. Even feeling scared is okay. Often we are scared in the face of uncertainty, times when we have no control over the outcome. When you are scared, ask yourself three things — What am I scared of? Why am I scared of it? And, How can I fix it to Un-scare myself? With this starter pack, you should be okay. Over time I have started doing this better. I sometimes go further to the extent of worst-case scenarios. However, I highly recommend not doing that.
20. Asking for help doesn’t kill you. Sometimes it saves you.
Asking for help can be challenging. Our perceived degree of expected response varies from person to person, and over time we know what to ask to whom. I know some people who have developed an internal ‘ask for help’ program for themselves, like ‘<Person name> is my go-to person if I need help with <task>.’ Communicate if you need help. Seeking help at the right time has saved lives.
21. Your sentimental items bear different values for different people
Our attachments to items that belong to long-lost dear ones are deep. These items are the source of memories of time well spent in the past. I lost my mother when I was 27. It was a difficult time, particularly to let go of her belongings. However, I realize that memories are within us, and there are several other ways to cherish memories than the preservation of belongings. For instance, I try to preserve her recipes and kitchen tricks by learning them and preparing food for myself and my people. Sometimes preserving skills brings happiness.
Another thing I recently discovered, someone you respect may not value your sentimental items the way you value them. It doesn’t mean you need to ‘react’ with disrespect. Perhaps a case where the item you are sentimental about bears lesser importance to the other person. Besides, at any point, if someone devalues your sentiments, the person will soon lose his importance in your life. All of us are programmed this way. Consciously or subconsciously, we end up snapping that irresponsible contact. Though, no matter what, avoid responding with disrespect.
22. Kindness will help find the meaning of your existence
Kindness releases the feel-good love hormone – Oxytocin. Some foundations are studying the science behind random acts of kindness and their effects on the human body and society. Some findings reveal that being kind is correlated to intelligence. Ancient texts and teachings offer readings that suggest leading a life with compassion leads to meaningfulness. Try doing an act of kindness. It gives a different kind of happy high. Besides, it may make someone happy as well.
23. Living beings have a finite lifespan. Parents are humans — remember that.
We are never told that one day you will lose your parent. Realizing and remembering that is important. Remember that they are as human as you are, and they have a finite lifespan.
24. Wealth might be a social indicator of status. But health is an indicator of abundance.
Being healthy is severely underrated. In the past few years, I have observed a drastic change in the way we consume. Expensive doesn’t always mean good for health, and cheap doesn’t mean bulk intake will make you healthier. There is a need to understand the fine line between status and abundance.
25. Jealousy will diminish you slowly, and it starts from within
Jealousy will broadcast your insecurities. Know that if you feel jealous, you are insecure about something. Often decisions taken under the influence of emotion like jealousy result in regret of a lifetime. Envy, jealousy, and bitterness often are the collective root cause of broken relations and eventually regrets. They are ugly emotions, and if you let them dwell on you, they will turn you unpleasant.
26. Patience
If you have read this blog till here, you have enough patience. You may skip this point. If you haven’t, go to the top and come back here. I am kidding. You may skip as well, but we will call you impatient. Also, I won’t tell you who is ‘we’ in the previous sentence.
27. Change takes time
By now, about thirty, you would’ve realized how important managing time is. However, refrain from managing change. Change is not a quick-fix drug that could be administered. Change takes time. Instead, you may choose to manage your energy allocation to particular tasks you value.
28. In a lifetime, you will live two lives. The second begins when you realize you only have one life
This one is a rewritten quote ‘We have two lives, and the second begins when we realize we only have one.’ — attributed to Confucius. Everyone understands philosophers differently. For me, I believe it is spot-on about setting priorities. This hard-hitting quote has had an intense impact on the way I think, act, and choose. I guess some realizations are only brought by time.
29. Lists don’t solve problems. They only aid in initiating a process
Isn’t it ironic that I make a list of experiences and include this point? I realize the irony. The point is, do you? I feel lists are good to initiate a process like a grocery list would only aid the memory to remember all the ingredients, but it won’t help you prepare your favorite recipe. Too many of us read lists like this one, match it with our internal checklists, feel good for a minute or two, then move along in life unchanged, unmoved and, indifferent. The only way you will grow is to get out there, experiment, and put things into practice. Once you are done celebrating your list, start preparing your recipes.
30. It is okay if you haven’t figured it out yet
I don’t want to proclaim any of my opinions above to encourage you and put them into practice to lead your life. In several instances, you may agree or disagree. What worked for me may not work for you and vice-versa. It takes time to figure things out. I haven’t figured it out yet. I am just taking that time. Ultimately, all your deeds will accumulate and make a collection of memories close to you. You will call it my life.
If you have read till here. I applaud your patience and understand your zeal for making your existence meaningful. I don’t expect your approval to agree with what I have organized in this blog. These were just my lessons to myself after thirty. More importantly, I hope you do something with it, for yourself or someone. Take care of yourself and others.
Best,
Shreyas